Naruto the Cynic
by Mr. Dusk
Summary: I wrote this because I was bored and I didn't really intend to put it up on the site until my friends said I should since it's funny. Basically, this is the story of Naruto where the main character is more intelligent, cynical, and surrounded by crazy people. Rated M for language and adult themes. Enjoy.


Naruto the Cynic

In a world where pretty much everyone is a ninja - everyone being the military, the police, part of the government, and the doctors – there were the five nations: The Land of Earth, the Land of Fire, the Land of Wind, the Land of Water, and the Land of Heart...wait, what? Oh, sorry, sorry, wrong script that got in these pages. Instead of Heart there was Lightning.

Anyway our story begins in the grand village of Konohagakure (Konoha for short) in the Land of Fire, where a giant fox demon known as the Nine-Tails or Kyuubi was attacking the village. For why this was happening was too complicated to be talked about until much later in the series, but for now let's just say that it was really pissed off from being cooped up in its Pokeball. Wait, wrong Ninetales, damn what is wrong with me today?

The leader of the village (Or rather the village's ninja) the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, had a brilliant plan to stop the giant fox demon: split the Kyuubi's chakra in half and seal the huge fucking thing of mass destruction into himself and a newborn child so that one day he and the child can use the Kyuubi's power to rule the- err, help the village. For bonus points, Namikaze decided that the poor bastard who got the Kyuubi in him would be his own son that he had out of wedlock with the previous carrier of the Kyuubi, and totally hot red-headed chick, Kushina Uzumaki.

Before the Fourth's plan was executed, Namikaze met with his old mentor, one of Konaha's most powerful and legendary ninja, Jiraiya.

"Jiraiya, in the case of this plan going wrong, please look after my son and train him to become the most powerful ninja this world has ever seen."

Jiraiya, probably one of the most sane people in this series, questioned his student, "Uh...you do know that my job requires me to travel around the various nations and I have a lot of enemies that want to kill me, plus I'm kind of a huge pervert of a man so putting your infant son in my hands isn't really the best idea."

"Thank you Jiraiya, you're the best!" then the Fourth went to go put his amazing plan into action. Jiraiya shook his head.

"He really didn't think this through, did he? I just hope this works..."

To make a long story short, Namikaze managed to seal part of the demon inside his bastard child, saving the village and all that was in it but in the process he died along with many others who died while fighting the fox. Oh, and Kushina died shortly after giving birth.

The child was named Naruto Uzumaki, and was pretty much screwed from the beginning because everyone knew about him having the fox inside him but knew nothing about the Fourth's plan. Really, it's a wonder how they came to find all that out since the sealing of the Kyuubi was supposed to be a secret, but let's just write it off as part of the plot as it just raises too many questions.

Jiraiya was true to his word. He couldn't look after Naruto since he had a lot more responsibilities like running Konoha's spy network to track down enemies of the village like Orochimaru and the Akatsuki, along with a side business of writing an erotica series that was getting quite popular. The Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, taking the hat again after the Fourth died, was left to deal with the orphaned child. Since he was too busy with his own family and running Konoha's ninjas, he gave Naruto up to an orphanage. Things quickly went downhill from there, and it got to the point where Naruto was living on his own at the age of four. Too bad there were no ninja child protection services or ninja child psychologists.

Living on his own, Naruto learned to be independent as he shopped for himself and cooked for himself. The checks from the Hokage helped pay for expenses like heat, rent, and food, but for the most part, Naruto was on his own. This kind of growing up, plus the fact that almost everyone treated him horribly as he would be kicked out of shops for little to no reason, other children would either run away or hurt him, almost every adult he saw would give him death glares, some of the more aggressive adults even tried to kill him and nobody would do anything about it, yeah, Naruto had a pretty fucked up childhood.

It's here we skip ahead a couple of years, and we find Naruto attending his final year of Konoha's ninja academy where the only people who seem to validate Naruto's existence was Sarutobi, who paid for most of his living expenses and would meet with him regularly; Naruto's landlord, who would threaten to kick Naruto out of his apartment if he was one day late on his rent; Teuchi and Ayame who owned and operated Ramen Ichiraku, Naruto's go-to restaurant that wouldn't sell him overpriced meals or try to run him out for "disturbing customers"; Iruka Umino, an instructor at the academy who seemed to want to bond with Naruto but never really did; and Hinata Hyuuga, who was pretty much Naruto's stalker who wanted his demon fox babies.

Anyway, it was the last week before graduation and Naruto had painted a "masterpiece" of a mural on the Hokage monument (which is basically Ninja Mt. Rushmore) to get some ninja street cred. Obviously an act of war, some chunin, jonin, and ANBU operatives were sent to stop the orange menace who somehow managed to both outrun and outsmart them despite having the reputation of an idiot. The only reason Naruto was caught by Iruka was due to the fact that this wasn't the first time the entire village was out for the twelve-year-old's blood and he had already figured out most of Naruto's favorite hiding spots.

"NARUTO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? YOU'RE LATE FOR CLASS!" yelled the angry instructor.

"Well, I was bored, so I thought I'd do something before school started, didn't think it'd take too long...besides I'm only like five minutes late."

"NO EXCUSES! NOW GET YOUR ASS TO CLASS!"

Naruto found himself in class, tied up, beaten, and bruised. A regular thing to happen, actually, as Iruka had some creepy fetishes. For class that day, the students had to demonstrate the transformation jutsu, and Naruto did something amazing as he managed to perfectly transform himself into a HOLY SHIT! ARE THOSE REAL? Wait, it's just an illusion...and it's a guy...who's twelve...I think things just got even more creepy as I have the weirdest boner right now.

Iruka didn't seem to like that, even though Naruto performed the technique on a scale that is actually quite impressive given his ability to accurately portray the female body. He was so mad that he made Naruto clean up the graffiti on Ninja Mt. Rushmore.

"THAT SHIT ISN'T EVEN GOOD GRAFFITI! THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKIN', SON?"

"It's more a social commentary, really the Hokage all started out as regular Ninja so anyone can be a Hokage if they really worked at it."

"IT STILL LOOKS LIKE SHIT, SAY, WANNA GRAB SOME NOODLES?"

"Ew no, I hate that game."

"I MEANT GETTING SOME RAMEN!"

"You buying?"

"FUCK NO! YOU ALWAYS EAT ALL THAT EXPENSIVE SHIT! YOU THINK A TEACHER CAN AFFORD THAT?"

"Meh, I guess not."

So the two went to eat some Ramen at Ichiraku, and Naruto seemed to really want to wear Iruka's Ninja Head Protector (and at times Ninja Neck Protector, Ninja Arm Protector, and sometimes Ninja Groin Protector) but Iruka was all like: "FUCK NO! YOU WANT IT, YOU GOTTA EARN IT BY PASSING THE EXAM AND GRADUATING!"

"About that, what exactly is on the exam? You and Mizuki were kinda vague about the whole thing so we have no time to prepare."

"YOU WILL HAVE TO PERFORM ONE OF THE THREE JUTSUS WE TAUGHT YOU, IF YOU CANNOT PERFORM IT, YOU WILL FAIL. IF YOU CHEAT ON THE EXAM, YOU WILL FAIL. IF YOU SHOW UP LATE, YOU WILL FAIL. WHEN YOU DO FAIL, YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE THE TEST AGAIN AT A LATER DATE...WHERE YOU WILL FAIL AGAIN."

"...really? Just one of the techniques? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of almost all of the training we put in over the four years we've been here?"

"DO NOT QUESTION ME! I DETERMINE YOUR FATE! I GET TO DECIDE IF YOU FAIL OR NOT!"

When the day of the exam came, Naruto was called up to perform the Clone Technique (or Bunshin no Jutsu if you wanna be anal about it). Since Naruto didn't have good chakra control, which was brought on by the Kyuubi's massive di- I mean chakra and a lack of chakra control training at the academy since Iruka neglected to give proper instruction for the kid who has the abnormal power of a tailed beast, Naruto failed, pretty epically.

"YOU FAIL! NOW GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!" Iruka yelled, next to him was Mizuki, the other instructor who focused more on taijutsu training who raised an eyebrow as Naruto slowly walked out of the classroom with his proverbial tail between is legs.

"Uh...are you sure about that Iruka? I mean, Naruto has pretty high agility and endurance, not to mention he has the chakra reserves that most jonin would kill over. His only real weakness is chakra concentration...and you should've been the one to teach him that..."

"NOPE! NARUTO FAILED TO MAKE A SINGLE CLONE, SO HE FAILED THE EXAM AND FAILED THE TERM! HE HAS TO TAKE IT AGAIN!"

"Is that even fair? Do you really have the final say in that? What about last year with that Rock Lee kid? He couldn't even _use_ chakra, yet you passed him anyway!"

"HE'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE WAS ROCK LEE, AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ROCK LEE IS THE GREATEST CHARACTER EVER."

It's true, Rock Lee really is the best character in this series.

Naruto was now on the Swing of Self-Pity™ pretty much feeling sorry for himself. It wasn't long until Mizuki came over.

"Hey, what's up Naruto?"

"I'm thinking of going home and hanging myself, or drink all that expired milk and see if it kills me first."

"Oh dude, come on, you can't do that! We already got an emo character, and he's way worse off than you."

"Oh yeah, Sasuke, almost forgot about him."

On the other side of town, the new genin Sasuke Uchiha was being stalked by his fangirls, who unbelievably enough were genin too, "My parents are dead!" he yelled, trying to imitate Batman. His fangirls squealed after him, and got into cat-fights over who's going to get into Sasuke's pants first. Not sure why they couldn't share him, I mean, Sasuke has to rebuild his entire clan and all, how is he going to accomplish that with only one breeding stock?

Back at the Swing of Self-Pity™, Mizuki and Naruto were trying to come up with a way to pass Naruto anyway.

"We could probably take it up with the Third, I mean, he's supposed to be in charge of all the ninjas, right?" Mizuki suggested.

Soon, the two found themselves in front of the Hokage, "Alright, what do you two want? I got some important paperwork to finish." Sarutobi told them as he quickly hid his copy of the latest entry into Jiraiya's Icha Icha Paradise and a bunch of towelettes.

Mizuki cleared his throat, "Hokage sir, we are here to speak with you about the situation concerning Naruto's graduation-"

"Naruto graduated? Excellent! He'll make a great ninja, just like his parents."

"My parents? You mean the Fouth Hokage Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki?" Naruto asked.

"Wait, you know about them?" Mizuki asked.

"Well yeah, I got my birth certificate, plus the Fourth's head on Ninja Mt. Rushmore looks a lot like me."

Sarutobi spoke again, "Congratulations Naruto! I'm sure they would be proud to see you as a genin!"

"Actually sir, Naruto didn't graduate, that's what we're here to talk about." Mizuki explained the issue with Iruka failing Naruto.

"Did you remind him that he passed that Rock Lee kid?" the Third asked.

"Yeah, but Iruka said that it's justified because it's Rock Lee."

"I see...well screw Iruka! I'm the goddamn Hokage and if the goddamn Hokage wants Naruto Uzumaki to be a ninja, then Naruto Uzumaki is a ninja."

"Really! Awesome!" Naruto yelled, jumping up into the air, "Though, I still wish I could've made those clones."

"What's that? You want to make clones? Here, try out the forbidden Shadow Clone Technique (Kage Bunshin no Jutsu), it should work for you since you have that Kyuubi chakra." Sarutobi handed the two a giant scroll, "Should be the first one on there."

Mizuki eyed the scroll, "Uh...sir, are you sure we should give that kind of power to him? Even if he has the Kyuubi chakra?"

"Kyuubi? As in the Kyuubi sealed in me?" Naruto asked, getting another look, "Again, birth certificate matches the date the Kyuubi attacked the village, plus my mom was rumored to be the carrier before me, PLUS I have this huge freaking seal near my crotch." Naruto said, lifting up his shirt showing the Kyuubi seal, "Really, it was only a matter of time until I figured that out."

Mizuki shrugged, and opened up the scroll.

"Please, do that outside! I'm behind on my..err...paperwork, yeah!" Sarutobi told them.

Mizuki and Naruto were now outside in the forest for a change in scenery and privacy to see if Naruto could perform the very difficult to master and incredibly deadly technique of making tangible clones out of shadows. Nonetheless, Naruto managed to pull it off due to his high chakra reserves and sheer will and determination. There would have been much rejoicing if Iruka didn't show up to crash the party.

"MIZUKI! NARUTO! SO YOU'RE THE ONES WHO STOLE THE FORBIDDEN SCROLL!" Iruka yelled.

Mizuki's jaw dropped, "What? No, the Third-"

"YOU CAN'T FAST TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE MIZUKI! I JUST CALLED THE FIVE-O ON YOUR ASS!"

To make a long story short, Mizuki was taken away by the Ninja Police who in turn performed an act of Ninja Police Brutality. Naruto didn't say a thing, but he was let off since to Iruka, it was pretty clear that Mizuki only took advantage of Naruto's complete stupidity. When the news was brought to Sarutobi, he was shocked to learn that Mizuki was planning on stealing the scroll and congratulated Naruto on learning a B-Rank technique, and Iruka passed Naruto for finally making some fucking clones that weren't complete failures.

"I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU NARUTO! YOU FINALLY LEARNED NOT TO FUCK UP!"

Naruto didn't say anything, he was just glad that he graduated and wouldn't have to take another class with Iruka's loud voice.

NEXT TIME!

Scarecrow, Batman, and the biggest forehead ever.


End file.
